Teds - Monday 7th October 2024

With the wife in Italy, and son at boarding school, I had a rare evening to myself. Watch a film, play computer games, jam on guitar, go out and watch a new band, so many options. However, my mind is usually in Ophelia mode when given these options. Talking of options there were only two for a Monday evening in London. One was a Bi-sexual club, where joining in was 'compulsory.' Erm, no thanks. The other was Teds. I'd been aware of Teds for a long time, but a bit put off by the fact it appears mainly to be a bar for gay men ("Yes, it's a Gay bar, dumb dumb!!"). I opted to go to Teds, tough choice. I hadn't worn out a green dress I really like, so hung it up with anticipation. 

I chatted with a TV on TVChix, Ayesha, who said she'd come along and we could meet up. It was shaping up to be a nice evening. Being pleased to get my makeup routine down to just over an hour, I headed off in the car to Fulham, a short drive across the river from Wandsworth. The dark evening had provided the perfect cover for nipping out of the house, and now streetlights lit the way to Fulham. Parking was a snip, and I had only a 100m walk to the door of Teds. 

I'd heard about a touchy feely door guard, but found a closed door and no signs of life. I knocked pointlessly on the door, before noting the buzzer with 'Teds' written on it. D'oh! A minute or two after pressing the buzzer, the door opened and Ted stood before me. A friendly face and he asked me to sign into a guest book, I liked the fact that he called me 'Love.' Although I don't know if that's what gay people say to each other. Not just TVs. A slight nervousness ascended, as I descended the stairs into the basement. 

I came into a smallish bar, and was a bit disappointed to find a TV and male friend at the bar, and that was it. I ordered a bottle of beer with something called 'cash.' Luckily, I had an emergency tenner in my handbag, and was able to gain liquid refreshment. Ted was quite chatty, and had a few phone calls, presumably from regulars wanting to know what the talent was like or something. 

Ted at his Command centre, full CCTV above his head. On the right, the red led lights sit on a camouflage sheet that leads into the small 'Play area.' To the right of that is the stairs to the ground level. On the left of the Play area is a short corridor that leads to 2 toilets and a room with a couple of urinals in. And that's Teds.

The buzzer went off in Ted's command and control centre, and he whipped up stairs to get the door. It was another TV, yay! There were now 3 TVs. The guy who'd been talking to the original TV when I came in, went off to the toilets, and came back in a poor wig and even worse dress. No attempt at make-up. Snob, yes, I may be, but whatever floats your boat. There were now 4 TVs. Was this a TV bar now, Ted outnumbered! The new TV that had just come in, was very chatty and knew Ted well. It turned out the new TV (I forgot her name, I'll call her Sheila) was half Trans, and described herself as a Gay Tranny. She had small boobs and male genitals and was about to get married to her boyfriend of 24 years. Ted and Sheila talked politics, cars and a few other topics that revealed grumpy old man syndrome. 

Hate flashes, I'm not really aneamic! My green dress, matching fingernails too!

The buzzer went, and a guy descended with his hood still up on his coat. He came over and sat on the last stool behind me, within seconds I felt a hand squeezing my arse. I turned to find a person of Persian descent in glasses with a short white stubble beard a bit too close to my face. I told him to F off, and he kept saying 'Peru' or something similar. I turned back to chat to Sheila but then felt a hand curve over my back. I got up and walked a few paces away. 'Dude, I'm not gay, and if I was, I'm sure I'd have standards.' He sheepishly walked off to the middle of the bar. 

small porn TV and crossdresser in basic outfit.

I went to go to the toilet, and as I approached them, I found the touchy guy following me. I decided to try to hold it in, and went back to the bar. 

It's pretty dark in there. 

Out of cash, I did a bank transfer in order to get another drink. I kept chatting and getting to know the other British-Canadian TV that was there. At this time the touchy guy was stood next to us with penis out, pulling his hand down it. Sheila pointed out that we all had bigger penises than that. He walked off again somewhere. With no sign or messages from Ayesha, I gave up of anyone else coming. I drank up and said my goodbyes, not to touchy man, and Ted escorted my up the stairs and into the pooring rain. Eww!

It's hard to make a judgement on Teds as there wasn't a big number of people, it felt a bit like a bar similar to the famous Nighthawks painting by Hopper. Just a few barflies sat at the bar. Apart from touchy man, the atmosphere was pleasant and relaxed, and if that's what your after, Ted's Bar is great for that. Ted himself is certainly what makes it, his posh training as a youth at the Hurlingham Club showing through at every moment!